My early diagnosis

It really hits me home so hardly because I’m not fully aware of having early diagnosis of autism; didn’t actually have an intention to live and stuck in my own world. In my opinion, autism is often conceptualised as a condition of social impairments and communication abilities. Autistic people are seen as lacking the ability to effectively and enjoyably interact with others. The abilities and characteristics of autistic people varies widely from day to day, situation to situation; putting blanket that labels on us is not helpful when trying to articulate our specific needs and strengths.

When I was child I feel so ashamed because it make me as ‘mummy’s boy’; feeling so attached to my mum all the time when we go to shops, especially travelling to Melbourne either by train or car so she just presumably I often cannot go to any shops and stores alone. And even during my adolescence I was lonely and it even more so now because it’s so much harder to make friends as an adult when everyone already has strong friendship circles. When I grow up, I thought of myself most likely to function myself more independently, complete an degree or have a job; just require extra support from my family. One day, I’m so freaked out when I began meltdown with screaming or sometimes crying while walking down the streets with my auntie in Hong Kong.

Now it’s all changed; when I’m getting older I just feel like I’m a lot more curious than I used to before. I realised that I began to make good eye contact for some periods or understand body language and facial expressions; typically when I go for job interviews it seems pretty boring. Why’s that? You know, I realise that job interview is such time-consuming process, I mean recruiters spending too much to go over all the candidates with their applications which entails their education, experiences and other things like skills and achievements.

As for me, answering every question being asked is just like having a warm conversation; exchanging information between us and pass on knowledge that I have a power and ability to sell myself. There’s no secret ingredient to success; I normally ‘be myself’ for having something to discuss which stemming ideas put into the conversation and had to answer two to three minutes to give them an ideal why should I be an excellent candidate. And I really did something about it – I truly am able to hold conversations with intimacy and feels like I could be pass on to be ‘neurotypical’. I’m so proud to be a ‘high-functional’ autistic; trying to lessen my motor skills, otherwise my parents ought to be crazy when they see.

Filial Piety

The old Chinese saying from a phrase on how to obey your parents, in two words: filial piety. This is what I thought of being obliged to be good to my parents, take care of them and show respect and kindness to ensure how I’m willing to accept who I am, in this dynamic society. For example, my parent’s needs and wants must consider like buying their favourite food like Roast DUCK or BBQ Pork or prepare a cup of coffee or tea – it’s an act of victual and care respects. But now, we’re in the 21^st century and once it’s becoming more civilised and modernised society I believe the expectations and practice of being filial to parents and even grandparents have been declined. That’s because we more get used to social media platforms such as Facebook, WhatsApp, Twitter even WeChat not causing our communication lines are streamlined, literally gives me a circle of friends or people around us has expressed our individualism.

Ever since when I was a child, I’ve been so filial to my parents like expecting to wash dishes, buy something to eat and drink when travelling to Melbourne and making coffee. It’s some kind of old-timer’s ritual that our youngsters trying to get respect, not letting go of those traditions been set in our family. But when I’m getting older and wiser I think I better make meaningful decisions to make my choices and control over my life by setting my own boundaries as much as I can – don’t be bothered about being criticized of my impiety because there’s no family rulebook at all. Late last year when I told my parents that I’m going to America for the tour they’re so reluctant to letting me go because they feel like I’ve been a beloved son – treated like a mummy’s boy. I understood this as part of my responsibilities to help out with my family, but I really felt my parents should’ve utilized the resources around them first, rather than always doing something that is much of benefits for themselves and me.

Family Values

Family values is one of other attributes that are more prevalent to our Chinese families, especially on their traditional beliefs that has been long dated back to the past like my parents, but such kind of expectations and practices had been gradually decreased due to major and dramatic changes in today’s society. As for me, it’s been a privilege to be lucky enough of living with my parents with some luxury any families wouldn’t enjoy but I really want to give this opportunity to be closely connected with someone who was willing to share their heartfelt stories and experiences within the community.

From what I am wondering is interrelated to the movie Crazy Rich Asians where the novel quoted by 14^th century Arab traveller Ibn Battuta – ‘Nowhere in the world are there to be found people richer than the Chinese.’ But don’t take for granted yet, my wealthy Chinese family aren’t seems to be as crazy as I thought but being a one (and only) son of my immigrant parents has definitely related to the pressures that how might these characters have centralizes in our family. I was told from a noticeable young age my responsibilities in life is to pass higher marks, get a degree, have good job prospects, get married and have children. But it was thing from the past and my long-term commitments has suddenly taken a wrong turn as, probably my father has set up such unrealistic goals and pathway all planned for me and when I’m getting older, I struggled.

Besides being not too ‘nonverbal’ that most autistic people showing that they either never learn to speak in few words or have difficulties in talking to or carrying on such conversations with other people it’s importantly noted that I rarely have ‘meltdowns’ or shutdowns than I used to when I was a child. All my aggression, violence or even stim loudly around other people in varied environments have been disappeared and I have this feeling that my positivity towards my life-changing condition is contagious. I don’t feel any stress breakdown or ‘meltdown’ during the plane flight – whether crossing Pacific towards United States on such long journey or many islands through to Hong Kong. Luckily, I’m so brave enough to overcome fears and uncertainties with my high levels of poise and calmness under pressure, like performing a show to general public.

Hard work, enduring hardship

Come back to me discussing further about ‘tiger parenting’ which more phrases that describing our attributes: hard work and enduring hardship. I never thought until now my parents must go through endless time of hardship without any support from childhood to current time – didn’t pay enough much attention about how traumatic can be in their upbringings because they’re so poor at the time. Now, with the big question mark is how I am going to survive if I do, like others running their own businesses and keep thriving during the pandemic we’re now experiencing.

I remember when I was 14 my grandma (i.e. mother by my father’s side) flown in from United States to pay a visit and, by far she pushes everything into limits that I had to do unnecessary chores. For example, once I was forced to cut trees on the backyard and washing dishes such as pots, pans or plates for around 30 minutes. I’m really frustrated in the way we’d live like – as countryside ‘bumpkins’ in China and I’m going have a burnout. Imagine working at rice paddy fields, where farmers had to spend even much longer hours of labour-intensive, strenuous work (presumably not having certain time for break) but much cheaper earnings that would be sparsely enough to make ends meet. According to the information provided via Wikipedia, being an President of People’s Republic of China can earn an year-long salary of 152,121 RMB which equates to around AUD $31,000 – which is quite less than what I earn yearly, with the combination of salary, wages and other allowances from work and disability pension from Centrelink.

Besides he’s my father but having possessed some strict beliefs brought by growing up in the poor family starting from scratch to be more like a ‘top dog’ that emphasises ‘enduring hardships’ that he ever experienced. His self-belief was about ‘I think we should this and I think we should that’ but it was an immense pressure to just stick to the rules that are up to his standard and I believe it’s too much for me to do that.

The beginning of new ‘me’ – Bigger dreams, bigger pathways

I simply used this acting career – whether is TV, movie or even theatre/performing arts, as an escape. Even when I was young I wish I was dreamt of something big, I mean having an concept of being on TV or becoming famous as a celebrity but the things is that never kind of fall into it at all. I guess it was lucky that I never thought of pursuing the career that is out of my scope as intended or laid in one of areas deemed as ‘tolerant’ to Asian (or Chinese) parents. I originally wish to become an Accountant or Bookkeeper (even Financial Controller); ended up working in the world of professional or corporate workplace environment that really suits me. But, suddenly it’s all changed and I have an intention of putting myself into the spotlight; from my humble beginnings of my shy, quiet childhood to become a lot more inspirational, charming man.

I’m so appreciative to go for it and get involved along the ensemble with Back to Back Theatre in our innovative, ground-breaking production of The Shadow Whose Prey the Hunter Becomes, which I get to communicate with AI (Artificial Intelligence) – in Mandarin. It wasn’t actually my mother tongue but I can speak more fluently because we’re expecting an influx of immigrants from Mainland China so since started learning through watching China’s CCTV news on SBS or Chinese movies during childhood I’m getting better grasp of it.